When the Cheshire emerges...

I've grown up hearing the saying 'everything happens in threes', and I've learnt it's not far off the mark. Many a time there have been three notable celebrity deaths within a short timeframe, or accidents, acts of crime. Or just the weird little things within an average day.

Today the latter applied to me, in a subtle but ultimately curious way.


Something in the universe is trying to connect me to the Adelaide Fringe. I don't know why, or what for, but the reason my home city comes to life in March wanted to make itself known to me today.

It started with a potential story I could do about a comedy show on there about three Territorians and their life up here. Having seen this in the guide in Adelaide a few weeks ago, I thought it was definitely worth writing about.

Then I met with a band for a story whose lead singer had picked up work in Adelaide for the next two months. Having the previous email in my head, I asked if it was Fringe-related. Sure enough, it was. So this guy will be hanging out working around the Garden of Unearthly Delights or someplace else just as cool.

It gets weirder.

After watching the Socceroos win over the UAE (to get to the Asian Cup final, which is fantastic), I go home and find Gluttony has followed me on Twitter. No, not a page tweeting the dealings of such a sin, but a major pop-up area at THE ADELAIDE FRINGE.

What is going on? I can't be home then, so why are you torturing me universe?

Maybe next year.

It was a stay-at-home day today, which was needed. I listened to a real mix of stuff as I did my housework and small DIY projects, most of which I hadn't heard for a while. Jay-Z/Kanye West collaboration Watch The Throne (which is still epic), Kimbra's Vows, a bit of Arctic Monkeys, Josh Pyke...

But there are a couple of individual songs that stuck with me today.



This was the biggest. I'd forgotten how GOOD this song still is. Connie Mitchell (whose voice has to be close to the world's most underrated) singing about confusion and alternate universes. From 16 days to 16 weeks the emotion remains one-sided. Gosh, how so many of us have been there.

The lyrics are just spot on.

I'm just like you/Don't know what to do/I'm caught here in the middle of a life/I can't leave but I want to

I just want to get your attention/But I know that you're looking away/16 weeks since you left my life I'm still looking for you

And the way she sings the closing part is haunting... I wonder, wonder, wonder what you're doing, where you are/I wonder, wonder, wonder what we could've been

Sneaky Sound System are so good. And Miss Connie rocks it on stage- seeing her up close when I lived in Dubbo I was amazed. They need to bring out new material pronto.



I haven't really caught onto the whole Iggy Azalea bandwagon yet, only having really heard Black Widow on constant repeat on the radio, and just before a pre-Fancy song called My World, which is awesome. Looking forward to discovering her other stuff - doing Australia proud, clearly, and she be havin' better beats than the horrible Nicki Minaj any day.

As for this song, loving the Kill Bill homage in the film clip. And the lyric I'm gonna love ya/Until you hate me is gold.

That and the chorus of G.R.L's Ugly Heart have been in my head for some time now: Okay you're pretty/Your face is a work of art/Your smile could light up New York City after dark...

There's really catchy, girl power-friendly stuff on the radio right now isn't there? Love it.

On a final note, listening to Snow Patrol's Eyes Open album among all this other music today reminded me of how good Make This Go On Forever is. Not that the whole album isn't good, but this song is arguably the best.

While I had quite the good day today, I hadn't had as bad a day for a very long time as I did yesterday.

You know when you wake up in the morning and something just doesn't feel right? Either physically, or mentally... you just know that you shouldn't leave the house because it's going to be an absolute shitfight until you get back past the safety of that door.

Yesterday was one of those days.

And then Robin Williams goes and dies.

I'm affected enough when I hear about celebrity deaths. This one didn't feel real though. Not only because SO many other things had already gone wrong with my life in general and at work that I couldn't quite believe it (I really did think it was a hoax, took a while to actually acknowledge what I was seeing on TV), but also because we now know that such a FUNNY man died by his own doing in the most not funny of ways.

Hearing about depression leading to suicides is something that deeply saddens me. For him to have felt the pressures of life so much among a supportive family and friendship network is heartbreaking. So too has been the outpouring of grief. You all saw The Academy's tweet I take it.

Genie, you're free. pic.twitter.com/WjA9QuuldD
— The Academy (@TheAcademy) August 12, 2014

The words of my friends and celebrities have been some of the most heartfelt I've ever read. I'm not quite sure why I don't feel I've had to say a lot. I honestly just think it's the most horrible of losses. Drug addiction and overdosing is one thing... hanging is just something else altogether.

And a day later we've lost Lauren Bacall, who lived a long life but whose loss is still big considering the golden days of Hollywood drift further away from reality. Two big heavyweights just gone. Two people who truly had an effect on people with their talents. I made a note today that these things usually come in threes, and I would hate to think we'll hear of another death. I just hope they're resting in a good place now. Vale.

I've been on this earth for a quarter of a century. That's insane. I still feel like I'm five sometimes, waiting to see what I can learn. But that's not the case. And coming back to Australia after a beautiful trip abroad, it was time for reflection. For the record I do this a bit... I am a writer after all.

If you don't know much about me you may do after reading this post. I mulled hard over how to structure this, but figure list stories are so in trend right now that I should follow suit. So here are, in no particular order,

25 Things Katina Has Learnt In Her 25 Years Of Existence

1. Travel makes life experience all the richer.
I have just returned from a trip through part of South America; after that, two very different trips to Europe/Egypt and Australia/New Zealand venturing, I've travelled enough to know there's always more to explore, always more to learn. I would not be the person I am today without seeing these parts of our world.

2. Family is forever.
I'm very lucky to be close with my family. Mum is my best friend. The people who have raised me have done a wonderful job and I hope I've done them proud.


This works on multiple levels. Despite the odd snigger or harsh remark, I've always been extremely proud to hail from Adelaide, South Australia. The city is no Sydney or Melbourne, but it shouldn't try to be because it has its own great charm. And on another wavelength, learning about how my grandparents came to make success for themselves in Australia after migrating from Greece... they have amazing, humbling stories that make me appreciate and embrace my heritage.

4. Don't try and act like your father. You'll hurt yourself.
At three or four years old you make foolish decisions. Sneaking into the bathroom during the night, grabbing dad's razor and shaving your face doesn't end well.

5. Don't concern yourself too much with who's cool or not. You'll hurt yourself.
In the 1990s you had to watch for tree branches in the schoolyard potentially being flung into your cheek... wanting to play with the boys and being rejected left a permanent scar. Only physically; mentally I'm fine, thanks for asking. Slippery paths are also not good for seven-year-olds who want to run away from someone. They cause broken arms.

6. Romance is a myth for some.
We'll leave it at that.

7. Absence from home makes the resolve grow stronger.
I have grown in such an integral way since leaving Adelaide at 22, dealing with physical and mental problems as I've adjusted to entering the journalism industry. It's not been easy, and something I don't admit easily. But I have become a such stronger person as life continues to unfold and I try to figure out what my next step may be.

8. It's easy to discover who your real friends are.
I love my different groups of friends dearly, and they know who they are. But in some instances, attitudes post-high school, travelling and moving brought out sides to people you wouldn't expect, and it was an eye-opener for me to see that even with Facebook connecting can go out the window in seconds.

9. You have to make the effort. No silver platters.
In relation to #8, friendships are double-sided so blame can never be placed completely on one side. But making an effort also concerns pursuing other things in life. Sometimes I've been slack in that, and it's something I'm still learning to take control of.

10. When in doubt, chuck some Kylie Minogue on.
She's good at making people happy. Her songs are often relatable to moments in life. I love her stuff to bits. Don't be hatin'.


11. Toilets can be dodgy. Anywhere, anytime. And to throw toilet paper in the toilet is quite the luxury.
Parts of Europe were memorable for dodgy toilet seats as a constant. Peru's squat toilets and the uncertainty of where to place paper was frustrating. We in Australia have fantastic relievers.

12. People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
It's a beautiful saying that I first heard from a friend I had in Dubbo. Unlike her, I sometimes struggle to accept it - but do understand the value of meeting every person I do.

13. Things can be different to what you might be looking for.
This is a prime example of that:


14. Some men really do have their shit together.
I've not had many solid male friends in my lifetime. But growing up, you still notice things. In the last year, I've met a number of men in very different situations. And while some have left me flabbergasted (to say the least), others have shown their absolute awesomeness. It gives me the slightest hope that I can one day land someone of that calibre.

15. Meanwhile, you think you have things sorted, but really, you don't.
I'm happy with where I am right now, but at the same time I always want something more. Is never being 100 per cent content a showing of growth and learning, or uncertainty? That I'm still not sure of.

16. Don't expect much from people - you set yourself up for disappointment.
Although I understand it, I'm still working on cementing this one. It covers friends, crushes, the lot. It's worth noting here that you don't need to be in love to have your heart shattered.

17. Be the bigger person - which sometimes means not to say everything you feel you have to.
Sometimes there are people in the world who will refuse to see your point of view. You might have to agree to disagree. Or let them have what they think is a win by not revealing all your cards. Stick it to the man, but also show some reserve.

18. Karma will get you.
You might not know why, and a lot of it is in small doses, but it's there hanging over you.

19. Mercury retrograde is real.
Astrology is something most take with a grain of salt. But I've written on Mercury going retrograde before. After a number of instances where I've travelled and encounter massive delays (including my World Cup tour which I only just discovered), as well as entering jobs with different proposals to what actually ends up happening, I'm a firm believer in this astrological phenomenon.

20. Harry Potter kicks arse over any other book series.
Seven books. One wizard. Adventure. Suspense. Fun words like Quidditch. While I will still always advocate The Baby-Sitters Club, Harry has a special place in my heart.


21. There's no such thing as a stupid question.
Journalism 101. If you need to know, you need to know.

22. I believe there is a God. Although sometimes it doesn't feel as if there's anyone/anything around.
I don't go to church much. I don't preach my religion to anyone. Though there is a part of me that is proud to believe. And sometimes it's hard when you feel completely alone, but someone - or something - is always there. It just takes a while to realise.

23. Things generally have a way of figuring themselves out; everything happens for a reason.

With a lack of blogs coming your way, you can probably tell I've kept myself quite busy lately. Working as hard as I feel I do, I come home not wanting to do much more than cook and then crash on the couch to watch TV.

Because of this I've realised more and more that I'm working for the weekend. Whether that's a two-day break or split shifts it doesn't matter, my days off are becoming precious commodities. And while I haven't been able to get out on the road or even do the real touristy Darwin things like I thought I would, I'm still making the most of my spare time.

A large part of that has included nights out. I've done a few different things, from gigs to birthday drinks - but it's the amount of clubbing (Darwin-style, where anything goes) I've done that's surprised me. I knew I still had something in me after Dubbo purely because my time there had provided somewhat of a hiatus from heavy bouts of nighttime madness. But going out just about every weekend here has made me feel 19 again - like my energy has fully returned after some time.

Look at this! I mean, I'm not exactly old but I feel this is a decent achievement. I guess why I feel like my youth's back is that I'm just really enjoying myself while actually maintaining stamina. This weekend was big in that I went out Friday, worked Saturday, went out bigger that night and still socialised for the bulk of yesterday. And I felt alright in hindsight.

Talking with friends, I know by the mid-20s going out hard loses its appeal to a lot of people. And that's fair enough, we all look for different things. For me, to know I still have the energy to do it is a positive. I think the climate and chilled lifestyle here has a bit to do with having that - it's warm all the time and you want to stay out, and there's people nearly always willing to do something. This is just something that suits me extremely well right now.

Before the week that was, I just have to say... Pharrell's hat. Wow.

we did it we did it RT @MTVNews: Who won the #GRAMMYs? Duh, @Pharrellhat. #infogrammys pic.twitter.com/EGHf5DYQZP
— Pharrell's Hat (@Pharrellhat) January 27, 2014

I got told by three people today that I essentially don't know how to do my job. At least two of the three were trying to give me constructive criticism (I think), but it still felt pretty shit.

And none of them were in my workplace, which makes it even worse. After a morning of rushing around (including what I hope is my very last visit to Telstra at Casuarina Square - that place is seriously messed up), I just didn't want to start my workday off with that shit.

***

Got caught w a smile on my face unearthing these. Time to unleash @MenzFruChocs power on the newsroom #chocolate #yum pic.twitter.com/o55aYEKdwR
— Katina V (@Katiinkaa) January 15, 2014

I made the afternoon a bit lighter though, sharing some Fruchoc love with my office. I'd done this in Dubbo before where no one really knew about them, and got a good reaction. Most here in Darwin were stumped, but for those that actually knew of the Fruchoc power their faces lit up. It made me happy that they were happy. Such is the magic these chocolates provide...

Some things just seem to be really difficult.

I had a hard day yesterday. I shouldn't blame Darwin, but I really feel that just sometimes there's such a thing as being too laidback. People slip up.

Then there's the whole having a Citroen thing. Yes, having a French car is an ongoing problem for me because living somewhere outside a major metropolitan city with it gets me puzzled looks and general confusion all round. All the time. And it's a frickin' hassle.

I thought I'd do the right thing and give up my NSW plates. Establish myself as a Territorian in licence and registration. Forever hold Australia's peace and the rest of it. It shouldn't have been that difficult. But it was.

They couldn't find my compliance plate in the inspection because the woman had never inspected a Citroen befrore (I'm not joking). Nothing against her at all, and to be fair it was hidden in the most stupid of places, but it just took forever. Then I had to replace my two front tyres. That was fine though, saw that coming. But an extra $250 out of my pocket.

Then I got my licence and switched my plates. Went to unscrew the front plate - and there's no holes for my new standard ones. So they're now on my dashboard. Can't drive my car though because I've effectively surrendered my insurance/CTP and NO ONE'S OPEN ON SATURDAY MORNINGS for me to get help with new insurance. At least in Dubbo I could actually go to NRMA if I needed to... ridiculous.

So I can't drive my car. Can't fix my plates until I can drive my car. Oh, and I also CAN'T DRINK if I wanted to drive anyway because there's some condition printed on my licence saying I'm allowed zero blood alcohol content. I've been on my full licence for five years. What the heck's that about? So I have to go back and get that fixed. And probably get a new photo, which sucks because I kind of like this one. Pain.

This weekend's the first time I've had two consecutive days off since before Christmas Day, and I'm just about transportless. Pain.

7.05am: Makes an informed choice to wear the brightest top she owns. The day's set to be a stinker at 35 degrees, and nothing's going to stop her from shining today.

Coz I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me rooooaaarrrrr #empowered #greatday
— Katina V (@Katiinkaa) October 22, 2013

1.37pm: Runs into the local cinema manager. He lived in her new location for six years and wasn't taking the piss as could have been the case. Said he loved it. She feels confident.

1.51pm: At lunch with her friend, she discovers a friend of her and her partner's lives there. And they want to visit. That's at least the third time the topic of visits has been mentioned for the day. Just about more than the total amount of times in two years for her current location.

1.59pm: A call from an unknown mobile number. She answers. A chief of staff from a paper she was previously interviewed at wants to discuss a possible opening in their production department. No writing involved, but using online/social media and editing skills as part of a team.

After declining the opportunity, she discovers the position for grabs back then was decided after 'very tough competition', and receives a lovely congratulations and best wishes before the call ends. She ponders the sheer randomness of that call when considering the lack of contact for about seven weeks after an interview from her home city.

3.10pm: Anxious about her use of remaining time in lieu, she asks the managing editor if he has sought necessary information. She has to wait until the next morning.

5.07pm: Walks out of work after a busy day, deciding to have eaten lollies and not go to the gym as a reward. She feels satisfied, and ready to reveal her news to the world.

7.26pm: After breaking the news on Facebook, she writes about her day. Laughs about the sheer SHOCK that has come from everyone on finding out. And then realises there's so much to be done, but just wants to watch Big Brother instead.

Photo: lukemelia.com

Those who behave in ways that you dislike are sending out their disharmony toward you because that's all they have to give away. Hating them is akin to hating moss for growing on the tree.

You don't need to let anyone in your life unless they come in with love and harmony.

One of the highest places you can get to is to be independent of the good opinions of other people.

You're doomed to make choices. This is life's greatest paradox.

***
Why?

What’s over is over. You did what you knew how to do. It wasn’t right or wrong or good or bad. It just was. But all you’ve got is today. You can’t have it back.

No one can get behind your eyeballs and experience life the way that you do.

The only difference between ALONE and ALL ONE is one L… and that stands for love.
In matters of taste, you alone are, and must be, the sole judge of what pleases you.

Everything you “have to have” owns you.

It takes not one drop of sweat to put off doing something.

When God speaks through your hands and smiles upon the earth through you because you’re an unconditional giver, a purposeful being who asks nothing of anyone… prosperity will be your reward.

Networking can never fail. It’s so powerful because you just keep creating more power sources. It’s like geometric progression.

If you can conceive it in your mind, then it can be brought into the physical world.

If you work at living your life a moment – instead of a decade – at a time, then you can cope with your challenges.

You can attend a beautiful service every Sunday, and you can practice all kinds of Bible sayings, and you can label yourself with the most fantastic tags that you can come up with, but you won’t find your heart in a temple if you don’t have a temple in your heart.

The beggars in the streets of New Delhi, the boat people in Malaysia, the royalty in Buckingham Palace, the factory workers in Detroit, and you (whoever you are) are all equal cells in the body called humanity.

If children are raised in peace, they will not know how to be warlike.

We are all at once teachers and learners in every encounter of our lives.

Every problem you have you experience in your mind. The solution to the problem is in the same place.

Starvation is part of what the universe is about, but so is my desire to change it.

I wrote in my last post about the friendly side of Dubbo, and mentioned how I felt awkward after the confidence of strangers approaching me. But I want to talk about the other side now - where there's friendliness in a town there's also snobbiness.

Feeling lonely is not common for me, but when it comes around it makes me uneasy. As part of my social experiment of still trying to integrate into the Dubbo community (now 19 months in), I've become a part of the Dubbo Young Professionals Network (DYPN) which gives 'professionals' a chance to mingle. I went to my second gathering recently.

On getting there, I looked out for a familiar face and struggled.

At that moment, I had a rush of low self esteem wash over me like a tidal wave.

Doing things by myself isn't difficult - going to the movies every week, travelling, living alone - but when it comes to introducing myself to a complete stranger I freeze up. And truthfully, that hit me then and I really felt like shit.

Later on, I met a woman through a mutual friend that was great. We talked about the mental roadblock that comes with introductions as an adult and eventually decided to bite the bullet and say hi to fellow networkers.

The effect was immediate - but not positive. Of five girls in the circle, three completely ignored us and continued their own conversation. The other two were fine until someone else came up and proceeded to snigger when I explained to that person what I did for a living as they broke off into their own conversation. I'm not kidding.

My new friend (who I was so grateful to have met) and I walked out together and stood for a minute wondering what had happened. It was disappointing more than anything else. The majority of the group aren't from Dubbo, so you think everyone there would want to make friends.

With all of that though, a personal boundary was pushed. And that's a good thing. A work in progress.

***
A purpose isn't something that you're going to find. It's something that will find you. And it will find you only when you're ready and not before.

I just want to say how glad I actually am that it's May. I need a new month. It's been a really ordinary few weeks and hoping the stars are right in that I'll spend time this month with good people.

Each experience in your life was absolutely necessary in order to have gotten you to the next place, and the next, up until this very moment.

When the universe is presented with a problem, does it say, "I don't know how to deal with this"? No. The universe is perfect.

The only boundaries we have are in form. There are no obstacles in thought.

Love is forgiving... and love is for giving.

Chasing success is like trying to squeeze a handful of water. The tighter you squeeze, the less water you get. With success, when you chase it, your life becomes the chase, and you never arrive at a place called successful. You become a victim of wanting more.

Remember what Victor Huge told us: "Nothing is more powerful than an idea whose time has come."

All of the "stuff" in your life has arrived to serve you, rather than to make you a servant of the stuff.

Prejudice means to "pre-judge". When you do so, you're making a decision about something before you have enough data on which to base a decision.

If you get pushed around, you've been sending push-me-around signals.

When you truly know that your life has a grand and heroic mission, you'll realign yourself as a spiritual being.

***
Why?